Every month, Seattle’s newscasters dust off their favorite panic words like they’re auditioning for a climate-horror franchise. “Atmospheric River!” “50 MPH Gusts!” “Downtown Flooding!” “Heat Wave of the Century!” Alexa even chimes in now with the confidence of someone who’s never lived here a day in her life.
Meanwhile, I’ve lived downtown 38 years — which basically makes me a weather anthropologist — and I can tell you: the odds of South Lake Union flooding are about as high as Queen Anne suddenly becoming affordable. It’s a small lake that dumps into a bigger lake. Water doesn’t climb uphill because a reporter wants a dramatic stand-up shot for the 6 o’clock news.
And the wind? Sure, there might be a 50 mph gust… somewhere over the Cascades. Down here, wedged between skyscrapers and biotech labs shaped like aerodynamic cheese wedges, you’ll be lucky if your hair moves. Unless you’re standing on Capitol Hill, where the wind has the emotional instability of a reality-TV contestant.
Seattle’s weather “crises” are like our politics: loud, theatrical, and usually just a light drizzle once you actually open the door.
And if the “storm of the century” really has you nervous, call me — I’ll happily weather the hurricane with you at Targy’s on Queen Anne or The Athenian at Pike Place. Tell the gorgeous bearded kid at the door (my son) that his dad’s buying.
So let’s break down the annual panic with a little truth and a little humor:
1. Atmospheric Rivers
That’s just a fancy way of saying:
“It’s raining, and someone at the National Weather Service needed a dramatic press release.”
Seattle doesn’t get biblical downpours.
We get moist air with commitment issues.
BTW Locals don't use those blue and white umbrellas ~ we're the ones in shorts with a ballcap.
2. 50 MPH Gusts
Sure — maybe on the top of the Space Needle.
But downtown?
You’re surrounded by skyscrapers taller than your anxieties.
These wind forecasts always read like the narrator of a disaster film but deliver like a box fan on medium.
3. South Lake Union Flooding
This one is my personal favorite.
I’ve heard anchors warn "flooding in SLU!" You have better chance getting invited to a SLU Paris Hilton DJ hosted party ~ and I live next door. People who complained and just upset they didnt get invited!
Flood… into what?
It’s a lake connected to an monster lake! Speaking of which call me for the best waterfront restaurants and paddle your couch on over, I'm buying.
Water has places to go. This isn’t Venice.
In 38 years, I’ve seen SLU rise exactly never.
The Real Seattle Rule
If the forecast sounds like the opening scene of Twister, the actual weather will be:
Light drizzle, mild breeze, and people in Patagonia pretending it’s the end times.
So what do you do?
Same thing you always do:
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Drink
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Wear layers or don't may be fun?
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Bring "coffee" (Leonetti this year had a phenomenal crop)
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Don’t trust newscasters named well you know who she is the smiling one always saying stay inside (who didn't grow up here)
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And for heaven’s sake, don’t cancel life over “atmospheric rivers.”
